I mean, I have oft wondered how to improve my Bingo or (dare I dream it?) Bridge game, and the solution was so obvious I seemed to have overlooked it. I need to hear better! Of course my quality of life would improve if I could but do such a fun thing as group bingo...
Seriously? They're marketing this product by telling me that I'll be able to participate in games geared towards those on the verge of death? Or by pretending that the little piece of plastic garbage can counteract 100% total deafness? No one in their right mind watches the commercial and thinks "fuck, yes! I can finally hear every word of the hymns that I'm singing while in church!" If you can't read the hymns, maybe you should get fucking glasses. Did that not occur to anyone?
Even better, they try to make us believe that getting one will make parenting easier. Keep better track of your kids by listening to them while they dick around! If your kid has a problem, trust me you'll know about it without a sound amplifier, because the little snot will be screaming so loud you'll wish you'd smothered it with a pillow the night before.
What the fuck are you smiling about? You're going deaf!
Oh, and PS-- there is absolutely nothing stealthy about that bulky piece of shit on the side of your face.
Then the advertising people seem to realize that they need to hit the third chunk of the market share: nosy neighbors and self-esteem-lacking stalkers. The commercial shifts to a woman listening in on other people's conversations while she collects her mail. What the fuck is that? Does the Loud 'n Clear Deluxe Package also include a lock-picking kit, voice distorter, handcuffs, and duct tape?
You've got to be shitting me. We start with a saggy old cadaver playing bingo, segway into a mother pretending to be attentive, and end with a hook-nosed smirker listening to women ogle him from across the room? What a fucking nancy! Put your pride on the line and take a gamble on a woman you find attractive, puss boy. If people are saying something out of earshot, it's because they don't want you to hear.
I know what you're thinking: "Stop right there! That's going too far!"
Listen up, dipshits. The only reason people talk about you behind your back is because they don't want to embarrass themselves or offend you. Because they're cowards and/or you're a pathetic crybaby. So if you want to spy, you sit at the top of the stairs or stand on a chair under the vent like everybody else. This gadgetry shit is weak.
