Insects

I'm going to assume that you, whoever you are, dislike insects. Where dislike used in this context is a synonym for "intent to kill on sight." Unless you are some kind of indiscriminate animal-loving person. Where person used in this context is a synonym for "dumbass."

If insects annoy you, you're on the right track. If they do not inspire fear, loathing, and discomfort bordering on anxiety, allow me to push you down that track a little further.

Insects are all fuckheads. This is latent to their taxonomic origin; they belong to class Insecta, which literally translates to "pain in the ass." Insects aren't just disgusting and hideous to look at, they are an active nuisance. When they're not sucking our blood or eating our crops or transmitting diseases or ruining our picnics, they're getting themselves caught in our food processing plants.

Many people don't realize this, but the FDA doesn't protect us from ingesting insect bits. They just set limits on how many can be present in each jug of orange juice. In case you were wondering, there's an average of one maggot per 250 ml of O.J. Even more appetizing is that there's roughly one insect fragment present per gram of noodle products.**** Fucking scrumptious.

The worst part is that this class of joint-legged, thrice-partitioned, brittle-bodied, so-called animals will survive us in the evolutionary race. Something I could fry with a magnifying glass or drown in a well placed droplet of water is more adaptive to surviving than I am? Bull shit. Little bitches can't even keep from wandering into my spaghetti noodles at the Barilla factory. Still, insects could theoretically produce enough offspring in two mating seasons to bury the ENTIRE EARTH in bugs.*******

Insects are the world's spam. Because they lack the balls to grow an extra meter or so and fight for food like we mammals do, they survive through sheer numbers. Killed a mosquito on your arm? Guarantee you there'll be six more within the next minute and a half. They just keep coming until we get too frustrated to deal with their shit.

In fact, they're so universally recognized as headaches with antennae that humans coined these phrases:

1. The term "bugging" someone. If you've never notice the etymological significance there, you should probably take the paste-covered spoon out of your mouth and check back into first grade.
2. To have "caught the bug" refers to getting some kind of illness that isn't serious enough to pose any real health threats but still prohibits you from living life to the 'fullest.' Then again, if your mindset indicates that life can be 'lived to the fullest,' you're a shithead.
3. A "bug in the system" is how we refer to really frustrating problems that afflict computers. The phrase originates from a few decades ago when a literal moth got caught in a literal system motherboard and fried the circuitry. Which proves that this class of arthropods is attempting to sabotage us as a species.


****Statistics from http://www.sixwise.com/newsletters/05/06/29/how_many_insect_parts_and_rodent_hairs_are_allowed_in_your_food.htm

*******Statistics from wherever the hell I damn well please. Stop checking up on me, asshole.